News from the Lab

Professor Sauernoggin Speaks to Investigative Reporter

Missing Professor Found Alive!PuckervilleToxic News has been following the odd stories relating to the eccentric scientist, Professor Rheinhold Sauernoggin. Our own investigative reporter, Lacy Chemicals was finally granted an interview with the Professor. Her hard-hitting questions didn’t seem to stump the Professor. Here is an excerpt from her interview posted on her blog:

When I asked The Professor about the strange reports of a talking, lab coat-wearing rat seen emerging from his basement window he simply grinned and said, “Oh, that’s Hazmat. He’s my pet rat.”

I was quite incredulous and inquired as to where he got such a rat.

“At Acme Lab Supplies, where else?” said Professor Sauernoggin. “As I was shopping one day, I noticed right away that he was so different from the other lab rats. He was highly intelligent and seemed interested in what I was doing. So, I hired him as my lab assistant. I’ve always believed in encouraging others to make the most of themselves. I gave him a little lab coat and a clipboard so he could take careful notes of all of our work together and grow in his craft.”

I was certain my ears were deceiving me, so I pressed on.

“What about the antenna and telescoping eye people have been talking about?” I asked.

“Oh that!” the Professor said. “Well, let’s just say that Hazmat was involved in a hideous and unfortunate accident. When I pulled his lifeless body from the rubble, I feared he was a goner. But, Hazmat was the best lab assistant I’d ever had, and I just couldn’t give up on him. I summoned all of my scientific knowledge and set about to saving his life. If you think about it, he’s really better off than he was before – with his telescoping zoom lens eye, he no longer needs glasses! And by feeding the impulses from his optic nerve through an electrode embedded in his brain to the antenna to his skull, I can receive a TV transmission of everything he sees! Now if only I can find a way to keep him from short-circuiting every time he sees a piece of cheese…”

By this point, my head was spinning. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I ended my interview with the Professor but vowed to not let up on my investigation. As the only reporter to ever to make contact with the scientist, I am committed to uncovering all of the mysteries.

Stay tuned to Toxic News for more of Lacy Chemicals’ blog reports about Professor Rheinhold Sauernoggin and Hazmat, the Lab Rat.